Why Is It Difficult to Indulge Myself in Writing?

Over the weekend I was asked, “so, Dafne, what makes you, you?” during an interview. It was an unexpected question, one I didn’t prepare for. In the forefront of my mind I thought about my family, specifically, my mother stroking my hand and my father changing the channel on the television. Pressing on for other answers, I searched my subconscious and thought about my degree in Journalism, but I didn’t want to be defined by a diploma. I was running out of time before I knew I’d have taken too long to answer.

“I like to write,” I had spat out suddenly. “I consider myself a writer. I journal a lot, I write in an online blog, and I like to read. A dream of mine has been to publish youth fiction novels. I feel the most like myself when I write, and I want to connect with youth this way.” My response was something along these lines before I went on to talk about my degree anyway, then my interest in education and counseling. The interview carried on, but on my drive home I kept hearing my own words and a whisper in my ear that made me tear up out of embarrassment and shame.

“Liar,” was the repeated whisper.

Consider myself a writer? The most I write lately are dream entries, occasional thoughts in a journal and drafts upon drafts in this blog that never make it through publishing because they are not up to my ridiculous standards. The problem is, I don’t write for myself anymore. I write thoughts and opinions in the hopes that someone else agrees and understands me. I didn’t always write this way, my words are becoming more seemingly unauthentic that it’s kept me away from letting words truly express myself. I am no longer writing out of pleasure.

I want to change that, but I don’t exactly know how.

Purposely, I go to bed a little earlier than when I feel tired so that I may juggle through my thoughts and daydreams. I write with my eyes shut right before I fall asleep. In my head, I write scenes from the many story ideas I have, I write my thoughts of the day, I write fantasies that take place in a few years and I write my overall thoughts about my current happenings. I actually wrote most of this blog in my mind last night.

I’d like to not spend so much time writing in my head, but instead here, or in my journals at the very least. I hope I may figure it out soon.

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