I’d like to write and describe this as transparent as I can be. Something critical to also note about me is that I find a great deal of pleasure in interpreting my dreams, because the relationship between dreams and the human subconscious fascinates me. I remember my dreams very vividly, and I normally lucid dream; but that talent proves very difficult during a horror situation. The reason I’d like to share this particular nightmare however, is because it was one of the most unsettling, frightening one’s I’ve ever had, and, it genuinely concerned me that I am this afraid of what is happening around me without even realizing it. I also think it would be healthy to write it down instead of bottling it up away.
Please caution, some of the imagery might trigger or create unsettling feelings and emotions dealing with sexual harassment and racism. I will try to be as brief as possible.
My former roommate and I went out for a few drinks, and we were dancing. At the time, it was just he and I. I have a bad habit of drifting away on my own during social outings, and in doing so in the dream I lost my roommate. For a while it wasn’t a concern, I danced with others and kept having a great time. Lights were low, it was getting crowded and nearing the end of the night. When I started to search for my roommate, I noticed two very abnormally large headed people enter the bar. In the dream, I recognized them and they instantaneously evoked fear. It was a man and a woman, and they were searching.
I avoided them through the dancers as I continued to search for my roommate with more urgency. In a few minutes, more people that dressed similarly as the man and woman started to mix themselves in with the crowd. Some had on a lot of plaid, torn up tshirts, jeans, boots, caps, wore the American flag on bandannas and a variety of wear but what they all had in common was that they were white. And in this nightmare, I was really afraid of them. The “big heads” spread about and started to dance with everyone, but no one else seemed to mind or was as terrified as I was.
I decided to be more proactive and ask the woman in charge of “holding keys” for drivers outside of the bar. (Side note, I’ve never experienced this in real life, not sure why this role existed in my dream. I am assuming as a task to find my roommate.) When I asked the woman, who was an elderly white woman, if his keys and car were still here she let me know they were. I was a bit hesitant to believe her at first, thinking what if she is involved with the “big heads.” I managed to convince her to hand me the keys, I wanted to hide in the car and try locating my roommate via cellphone and I would wait right outside of the bar until he came out. What I began to notice as I walked towards the parking garage, was that outside was very eerie, and too silent. There wasn’t a single person on the street. I was uncomfortable, and I felt like I was being watched.
I decided to hide in an alley and catch my breath, but I knew I couldn’t stay there; I needed to find the car and be ready to leave as soon as possible when my roommate came out. After I found the courage to run towards the parking garage, the feeling of being watched grew stronger. I hid between two cars, and heard the sound of high heels clicking. Someone was following me, and she was getting closer.
“Where did she go?” the woman asked.
“Was she latina? Are you sure?” someone else said over what sounded like a walkie-talkie.
“She was young too, he would like that,” the woman responded.
After I heard that, I ran. I ran back to the bar as fast as I could to find my roommate more desperately than before. I remember during this run thinking, thank God he is a man, and he is white; he should be safe. When I got to the bar, it was chaos now. People were screaming, running, and the front door had now been locked. I had to climb in through a window in the back. Once inside, it was impossible to locate him. Instead, I was slammed into by two other women, one who was crying and cursing in Spanish, and a black woman, with blood running down her cheek. I decided that finding my roommate might not be safe anymore, and that getting out was. I told the women I knew where a window was to get out, and they nodded; more courageous that I would have expected myself to be.
We ran through the crowd, pushing and shoving the “big heads” out of our way. I didn’t understand yet at this point what was happening, why everyone was running and why I was so afraid of the “big heads.”
We climbed out the window to the quiet night, and ran down the alley.
“Up, up there is the only place,” one of the women suggested. She meant the roof, and so we climbed. The top of this roof was the most frightening part of the nightmare. The outside was quiet, you could hear every move we made against the brick and how quick are breaths were. It’s as if the bar not far from us was sound proof, because nothing could be heard around us except the sound of our heartbeat thudding in our ears as we waited. We held each other, peering down below and all around us. Then, they came.
There were four trucks that parked in front of the bar, and we all pushed ourselves back to be more out of sight. But the sounds we heard are sounds I still can’t quite get out of my head. There were a lot of screams, but there was also laughter and hollering from the “big heads.” The trucks roared after they were done being loaded, they were like monster trucks with huge wheels that could climb over houses. This is a dream after all.
The trucks rose to the other rooftops, and the drivers pulled out their flashlights to search. I decided to look in their direction, and what I saw was horrendous. It was a silhouetted image in the night, the details weren’t too clear, but in the back of their trucks were just legs. Legs sticking out like barbie dolls being stuffed into a box. There was still crying, and I grabbed onto the other women’s hands I hid with. After what felt like hours, the trucks drove off.
I was left understanding that the “big heads” were targeting women of color. I woke up in a sweat, I woke up and cried. I was too scared to go back to sleep, so I turned on the TV and watched it for a little while. Like most of my dreams, they usually continue, unfortunately for some. In the second part of my dream, the same event took place but on a college campus. This time, I ran with my sister from the “big heads” in their trucks as they hunted and loaded women of color. In this continuation, I hid with my sister in a library and found myself reading a book. A book that had professors I used to know, teachers, and other celebrities that were all secretly a part of the “big head” society and were now being accused of such.
I woke up the second time from my alarm clock, a bit better than the first. I immediately started to imagine myself writing this all down to be able to get it off my chest and be more at ease. But, I’m not at ease. I had a nightmare that I am to interpret as a result of everything going on this year, Donald Trump as the president of the United States, white supremacists and their rallies, sexual harassment coming to surface in the media of public figures, prejudiced and racists adults I encountered last year, among many other unfortunate happenings.
But the thing is, what I just wrote about was a horrible dream.
For me, a nightmare. For many, more of a reality.
That’s the truly saddening, unsettling and terrifying part of it all.