It’s always been easy for me to see a silver lining in any given situation, no matter how frustrating or hopeless they were. Regardless of my personal issues, I am able to offer strangers a smile, because my problems have never felt so grave that I felt the need to reflect them. I don’t know if it’s because this past week situations have been piling on top of one another at an irregular and alarming speed, or because I let them. Some things were out of my control, like my dog passing away, others however, I might have no one to blame but myself.
Yet as I type that out, I can’t help but feel like blaming myself contradicts everything I have ever been taught. This past year, if there is anything I have strengthened and have benefited from, has been my patience. Maybe it’s because I worked with a group of 7-8 year old’s for half the day every day throughout the summer. Or maybe it’s because I met people that required me to enhance my patience in order to make anything work out. I think history does indefinitely repeat itself, and I find it more nostalgic than filled with discontentment that I found myself in a very similar situation as I did five years ago. I don’t know why I put myself in the same position, but I can’t lie and say it was always this way. There was a time that I thought it would be different, I knew it would be. I saw every version of myself looking back at me, and in the parts I didn’t, there was something else worth discovering that drove me to awaken other parts of me. I didn’t expect anything to play out the way it did, but as if I hadn’t learned the first time in this similar type of relationship five years ago, I had to now.
I can not put others issues in front of my own more often than not, and I shouldn’t feel as if it were my duty to take on the responsibility of wanting what’s best for others all the time. There are lessons in life that can’t be taught and learned from anyone else without undergoing it yourself. I should not be as concerned as I am with trying to understand why people work the way they do, expecting the best in others the way I was taught, is what brought me this far into a deeper hole that has been the hardest to climb out of. It’s dark down here, and I am struggling to find the silver lining. It was easier to find before, there was something that kept me believing it was worth fighting for, but now there’s shovels filling the pit that was once filled with hope. The dirt has really been a hard one to bear on my back for some time now, and the only thing left I have to do is to shake it off. I intended the Taylor Swift pun. It took me much longer five years ago to let go of what I needed to let go of, all the toxic, all the dirt, now I know when it’s time to give it up and not worth fighting for anymore.
But, despite all of this, I know God always has a purpose. Everyone has a role in each others lives, I know I was brought to meet the people I have for a reason, I learn from them, just as I would hope they learn from me. I like what I have learned this time around, I like what I’m becoming. I don’t have it all figured out even as I write this, I don’t know exactly what the next step is either. My friend Kiana put it brilliantly in her own words,
“I think it’s about my actions and they’re speaking way louder than my own voice for once. Don’t stop fighting for yourself, learn to let go of the uncontrollable, give in to the things that set your soul on fire.”
I have trusted God with my life more than I ever have these past couple of months, He is the most adored conductor of my life. I am discovering more and more of myself throughout every challenge, despite how unfortunately easy this time around my body wants to let the dirt drown me, I’m keeping my eye out for that silver lining He has always provided, I know it’s closer than I am capable of understanding it is.